You’re running late for a meeting at your child’s school. You start worrying about what people will think of 
you. Before long, you are berating yourself. "I am always late. No matter how hard I try, I can never get it 
together!"      

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“Big” Expectations

Big expectations equal big goals and aspirations. Career successes, academic achievements, five-year plans and white picket fences. These are rooted in deep-seated beliefs about who we “should be” and are heavily influenced by other people’s expectations; parents, peers, career-influencers, collective norms. Somewhere along the way we all bought into the notion that there is a “right way” to live, which leads to acceptance and a “wrong way” that leads to the stigma of failure. Logically, we know this isn’t true, but our emotional bodies can’t reason and fear of rejection can casts dark shadow.

We see this play out in movies and shows all the time. The small town girl or boy who dreams of making it “big” by breaking out of their small town, spurred on by parents whom felt like they wasted their life. Most times these expectations are so ingrained in us that we aren’t aware of the steady pressure they put on us. Overtime they become internal barometers by which we measure our worthiness. This cycle is an emotional trap because we are destined to fail. It’s part of life.

We’ve all experienced crushing disappointment. It’s part of our growth and development.
By raising our self-awareness, we can stop setting ourselves up for it!

How? Get Curious About Your Goals and Aspirations

This isn’t black and white, in the same way there isn’t a right and a wrong way “to be.” There are “shoulds” tangled up in all our dreams. When we are aware of them, they no longer have power over us.

• Where did your goal to make partner by age 30 come from? What is driving you?
  Is it passion and determination? Is it the fear of not “making it?” What parts of this career aspiration are tainted by “shoulds”? Which parts can you own?
  
• How about your fitness goals? How are they influenced by our image-conscious society? What is the true root of your desire here? Heart health, rehabilitation, strength and empowerment? Which part is born of self-acceptance and which part is the hustle to earn acceptance? One will nourish you and one will tear holes in the fabric of your worth.
  
• Who says you “should” be married with a child and live in the suburbs by now? Is that what your parents did? What popular culture says is the pathway to happiness? If this is your story, chances are you’ve been planning this future for as long as you can remember. How is the life you planned standing in the way of the life you have? Are you willing to release that old story so you can begin a new one, now?

I told myself I was going to have a little girl for the first 30 years of my life. This expectation was so real to me that I even gave it a name, Kaitlyn. All my dreams of being a mother were tied up in her. Guess what? I'm a boy mama! And much as I desperately loved my boys and was so grateful for them, I had to release the old story. Even after my child-rearing years were over, that big expectation was still looming over me. This was a process. I experienced disappointment and even grief over the absence of something that had resided in me for so long. In the end, it was a gift. It freed me to fully experience motherhood as it was. 

“Little” Expectations

We set expectations for ourselves every day, never stopping to consider that obstacles are destined to get in our way. Setting daily goals can be a healthy and productive habit, as long as the expectations are attainable. Generally, we aren’t a very good judge of what we can realistically accomplish. We aren’t trying to set ourselves ups for failure when we say yes to someone without checking our calendar or push a project off to the last minute, but that’s exactly what we do. Unrealistic goals are the norm and they are toxic to our emotional wellness; chipping away at our self-esteem with over-burdened schedules and frequent “failures” and disappointments.

While these small scales set backs seem insignificant on the surface, they are like paper cuts in that they constantly make there presence known and take forever to heal.

Let’s look at a few examples

According to latest business guru to make the New York Times best seller list, in order to be successful you must create a new morning routine.
EXPECTATION:
Get up by 5:00am, meditate, workout, get ready for work and take the dog for a walk…. All before the average person has their first cup of coffee.
In the back of your mind, you know this is unrealistic for you, but you’re so desperate to feel like you’re getting somewhere in life that you tell yourself you can “make it happen.”

REALITY:
You work late, but still force yourself out of bed early, determined to start your new routine. You’re too tired to meditate without falling back asleep so you move on to the workout. Then, five minutes in a child wakes up and says she doesn’t feel well. She threw up in her bed. Game over.

As a parent, you know things like this just happen. But you are still so discouraged! You were counting on this to make you feel better and now you feel worse. You’ve already let yourself down and your day has just begun.

TIP #1:

• If you plan to “make it happen,” it probably isn’t going to happen. At least not without a cost.
• New routines, like habits, are built over time. Make one small change at a time, consistently, before you add another. This gives you the opportunity to experience small successes, with the occasional setback, and grow your self-confidence; a driving force of motivation.

That was an obvious example that can easily be traced back to the source. Most expectations are so ingrained in who we are that we aren’t aware of them or how they create stumbling blocks in our daily life. Let’s look at another example.

EXPECTATION: You are organized. You see organization as one of your strengths. You work hard to keep your life in order, always conscious of how organized things are around you. It can be exhausting, but it’s a top priority.

REALITY: Life interrupts your plans. A big project comes up at work that demands all your attention, and you have to let some things slide. This includes keeping your work space neat and orderly. You know this is the way it has to be, but it doesn’t sit well with you because, on an emotional level, you’re still holding yourself to the same standard. When you walk in your office in the morning and see it in disarray, it sparks feelings of defeat, making you irritable and anxious. You berate yourself for not being able to keep it together! This is how your day starts.

This “little” expectation has the power to drag you down. Push you off balance. Steal your joy. The good news is, you gave it the power and you can take it back!

TIP #2

• Pay attention to your self-talk when things go wrong. Does it have anything to do with an unrealistic expectations? If so…
• Use your self-awareness to bring it to the surface. Is it reasonable to expect yourself to stay organized At All Times? Once you see it clearly, you will naturally begin to modify that expectation. This process does take time so please be patient with yourself!

The Cost of Unrealistic Expectations

Decreased Energy and Productivity

Unrealistic expectations, big and small, are a major drain on our emotional energy. Most people think that a person’s energy level is determined by their physical health. That isn’t true. 70% of our overall energy comes from emotional energy!

” Physical energy can supply at most 30% of your total energy. Even if you had perfect physical health and ate the perfect diet and got the perfect amount of sleep and the perfect amount of exercise, all that would give you only 30% of the complete energy you need. “

Mira Kirshenbaum, psychotherapist and author of “The Emotional Energy Factor“

This is why when you get overwhelmed, you start to feel fatigued. Physically, losing weight makes you feel lighter. Emotionally, the more depleted you are the more weighted down you feel. You need energy to be productive. You’ve heard people say, ” I’m so tired, I can’t think straight!” What’s the one thing all successful people have in common? High Energy Levels! Its critical that we conserve our emotional energy by making sure that the big and the expectations we set for ourselves are attainable.

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Many are turning to 24-7 news outlets for a lifeline. Watching day and night, looking for answers. I am one of those people. For the first week of lockdown, I watched it incessantly, letting it run in the background. Between that and acclimating myself and my family to a 360 degree lifestyle change, I felt like a rag doll. I told myself we needed the most up-to-date information possible to manage this crisis. This is true. It is essential that we stay well informed so we can protect ourselves and our communities from the spread of COVID-19. But, I didn’t need to watch the news every second of the day for that.

All day long I was distracted by escalating fears over things that were out of my control.

What I was really looking for from the broadcasters was reassurance. I wanted answers to the questions that were keeping me up at night. When are our commented going to be fully operational again? What is life going to look like? How are we going to interact with each other, conduct business, go to school? How fast will the economy/job-market recover? There were no clear cut answers then and there aren’t any now. By watching the news, getting in by all commentary and conflicting predictions, I was just borrowing worry. And I already had enough of that.

So… I turned off the television and went back to reading it. Now, is my life still chaotic? You bet! Grocery store delivery nightmares – absolutely. Toilet paper shortages- seems like it’s we talk about. Homeschool- not even going there. Life is still life, but our new normal is a lot calmer and more manageable without the extra infusion of fear in our day. Fear, like any emotion, is contagious.

The #1 mental health recommendation you’ll find for managing stress is to monitor the amount of time you spend watching, reading or listening to the news. (this includes social media)

• Studies show watching anxiety-inducing news takes a toll on your psyche and generates excessive worry, even if the situation being described has no relevance to you.
  
• Our brains are programmed with a “negative bias” which means that we naturally gravitate to negative information. It also takes ups more emotional space than positive information and we carry it with us longer. This internal mechanism allows us to better perceive and respond to danger. However, on a daily basis, it can work against us.
  
• Negative content of any kind (seen, heard or read) is mood-altering and often leads to feelings of anger, sadness and fear.

So, what’s the plan…

Pay attention to how much TV News you consume. It has more of an impact on you psychologically because you process information visually. Think about the difference between seeing live footage of a fiery place crash verses reading about it. It’s a tragedy either way, but there is a difference in how it affects a person. Television news is also delivered in a deliberately inflammatory manner to keep your attention. Have you ever heard the saying, “if it bleeds, it leads?” This is the epitome of sensationalism.

The most important question to ask is: “How does the news impact me? Does it change your mood? Lead to darker thoughts? Do you find yourself getting frequently worked up, experiencing a sudden surge of anger, or fear? How can you get the information you need with the least amount of unwanted extras? The goal is to be well-informed, not consumed.

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There’s a Hole In My Sidewalk

The Romance of Self-Discovery
By: Portia Nelson

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I fall in. I am lost. I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I still don’t see it. I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place. It isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there, I still fall in.
It’s habit. It’s my fault. I know where I am. I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street. There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down a different street.

I heard this poem at *church this past weekend and it really resonated with me. In fact, it’s been churning in me ever since. A habit is an acquired thought or behavior pattern you follow so frequently it becomes almost involuntary. I’d like to add something to that definition today. The development of habits is part of the human condition. We are literally wired to create them. One of the chief functions of our  subconscious mind is to take over routine activities, allowing us to perform them on auto-pilot, so our conscious mind has space to learn new things. This is great for healthy habits! Unfortunately our subconscious mind does not have the capacity to reason the way our conscious mind does so when we fall into an unhealthy pattern, it makes those behaviors automatic too. 

Habits are a strength and a weakness for everyone.

People are generally aware of their healthy habits, proud of them even, because in most cases they have worked hard to build those habits and they are reaping the benefits.  For example, it takes effort to develop healthy eating habits, to exercise regularly, to make time to meditate daily. When you do any one of those things regularly, your energy levels will increase. Often this gives you the motivation you to continue long enough for it to become a habit.  

Unhealthy habits are the opposite. They are at the core of every ongoing struggle we have, yet we are often totally unaware of them. Why? Because we generally develop those habits in an effort to escape something else. We had a hard day at work… so we reach for a glass of wine, we grab the Netflix remote, we allow ourselves to be sucked in to some form of social media not realizing the unhealthy habits we form over time because of it. Unhealthy habits that can become addictions.

I deeply appreciate this poem because it lays out the framework for breaking a habit so clearly. I especially want to draw your attention to the fact that awareness alone does not bring about change. So often once we recognize a negative pattern in our lives, we set the expectation that we will be able to avoid it in the future. When that doesn’t happen, we are filled with disappointment and a feeling of powerlessness. At this point, we are powerless. It’s when you are aware and still fall into the habit hole, as you see in Chapter 5, that you have the opportunity to take ownership of the habit. That’s when YOU have the power to break it!

There is no shortage of resources out there to help you break habits and move from walking around the “habit hole” to choosing a new street. I hope you will seek them out as needed. If you need help, please email me, Anne@AnnesKosem.Com. For today, I hope you will remember that…

Self-Awareness and ownership are the birthplace of change. 

© 1977 Portia Nelson, There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery 
*thecrossing.church.

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Yes, you can… Practicing radical love and acceptance is also a pathway to worthiness. Let’s start by gaining an understanding of what self-worth is and isn’t. 

Self-worth is a reflection of how worthy you believe you are of receiving such things as love, respect, and good fortune. This belief is held deep within yourself.  It is not related to your appearance, your bank account, or how many friends you have. It’s also not something you can earn, despite the fact that we live in a culture that encourages us to hustle for our worth.

To be fair, most of us didn’t grow up learning to value ourself for who we “are.” Nor did we learn how to love and accept ourselves in the face of failure. So it makes sense that we would seek external feedback and validation as a means of feeling better about ourselves. Unfortunately, that’s the reason why so many of us struggle with low self-worth. Our self-worth is a fragile, fair-weather friend and we need it to be a pillar of strength. After all, it’s part of our constitution, a grounding factor that keeps us centered in the face of adversity.

Since worthiness is built on solid foundation of love and acceptance, that’s what we will focus on cultivating today.

One way you can start growing your self-worth is by Practicing Acceptance. Learning to view yourself apart from your circumstances and to accept yourself without condition.

Step One

Observe the direction of your thoughts. Start recognizing when the shift into “personal attack mode” occurs.

This often happens when we are saddened or disappointed in the outcome of a situation. It can also happen when we inadvertently trigger a painful memory. You may be aware of a deep swell of emotion. Your thoughts turning dark; anger, resentment, perhaps blaming someone or something else for how you feel. When you shift to self-condemnation, then you’re in personal attack mode.
Here are a few examples of the switch:

You’re running late for a meeting at your child’s school. You’ start worrying about what people will think of you. You can’t believe how bad traffic is. Ugh! You are going blowing your first impression. Why do I always do this? Why can’t I ever be on time?  (You're in personal attack mode now) What is wrong with me?

You lose the bid on a big job. Immediately, you try and figure out what went wrong. What did the competition offer that I couldn't. I really needed that deal to make your numbers. You start comparing yourself to other people in your company who are more successful and younger than you. You’re slipping in personal attack mode. 

There is no such thing as a big or a small moment when it comes to personal attacks. Any time we start an inner dialogue of self-condemnation, we tear holes in the fabric of our self-worth with our shame.

Step Two

Stop. Think about what you’ve been saying to yourself.
Focus on the thoughts that hurt the most. They must be deeply Personal & Specific.

You have to tap into your personal pain in order for this to work. No Generalizations. For Example: My life is falling apart.
It Must be Specific:
I haven’t been on a date in a year. Nobody is ever going to marry me! 
I got the lowest grade on the math test Again. I suck at math!

Step Three

Turn the the personal attack into an act of Self-Acceptance.

Use a Turn Around Statement*

• Even though <Insert Painful Thoughts> …I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.
• Even though I haven’t been on a date in a year and I might never get married… I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.
• Even though I got the lowest grade in the class again and I’m am not good at math… I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.
• Even though I lost the deal and feel like a complete failure… I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.

You MUST say it at least 3 times.  Repeat it to yourself, out loud if possible,
until the meaning of your words make a “feeling impression” on you!

Some of your pain will ease as you experience your inner-being receiving this nourishment. Unfortunately, it will not miraculously heal your emotional wounds. Your disappointment will still be there, BUT more importantly, so will be a greater capacity for self-acceptance, more awareness of the inner “you” and a growing emotional resilience to the external world!

• Every time you say no to how you “should be” and yes to who you are –
  You build self-worth
• Every time you choose to love yourself for who you are rather than what you do –
  You grow your capacity for self-love 
• Every time you turn in-to instead of away-from yourself to deal with your pain –
  You show yourself that self-love is the most powerful form of healing.
  

I hope you embrace this concept and start to practice self-love and acceptance… it’s the pathway to worthiness!

*This concept was borrowed in part from the Emotional FreedomTechnique (EFT) by Gary Craig.

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Click the link below to hear me talk about it with radio show hosts, Julie Buck and Nicole Genovese. What life coaching is, who benefits from it and how the process works! These women have a down-to-earth conversational style that is both entertaining and informative!
Tune in Saturdays form 4-5pm to hear “Girl Talk” on the BIG 550am

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It’s a beautiful day outside and you are trapped in the car with your surly teenager. Eyes are rolling, lips are curling, attitude is oozing into the seats and infusing your car with a dense gloom. Sound familiar? You might ask yourself, why am I trying so hard when he/she obviously doesn’t want to anything to do with me? For the same reason you’re reading this blog post – you love your son or daughter and you are desperate to connect with them. If we are being honest, its damn hard work! I know exactly how you feel because I am walking right along side you in this regard with one full-blown teenager and two pre-teens.

When I see pictures of my boys when they were young, I often think how much I miss those little people. The chubby cheeks and the sticky fingers, the giggly chatter and just the shear weight of them in my arms… but even more than that, I miss the bond we shared. It was a living thing in those days, always present and tangible. Now that they are teenagers, not so much! In fact, sometimes I feel like I have to revive that bond it on a daily basis. But, it is more important than ever that we make that effort. We are raising a lonely generation. Electronics have robbed them of the genuine peer relationships they crave and parents need to fill that gap. Many studies have shown the positive correlation between quality time with parents or a loving, consistent guardian and well-adjusted young adults. 

“Teenagers who share regular meals with their family are More Likely to have higher self esteem and do better in school. And they are Less Likely to smoke, to abuse drugs or alcohol, alcohol, to become obese, or to have suicidal thoughts and behaviors.”

CASA Columbia

Of course, dinner is just one time of the day! Often schedules and family dynamics prevent consistent mealtime gatherings. That’s okay. The goal is to find ways to connect with your son/daughter, and do it consistently. Here a few suggestions that I hope you will find helpful.

Here are a few tips:

Don’t force it.

If all they ever want to do is listen to music and zone out in the car, let them. Especially right after school when they need to decompress from the pressures of the day. Tune into your child’s inner-modem and approach them when they are more accessible. Our children are usually geat about letting us know when they don’t want to talk. What’s not always clear is when they are in the mood to talk. Sometimes you just need to as them.  Is this a good time to talk? Is there a time we can catch up today? A one-on one trip to Starbucks is always a hit at my house. 

Be available.

Take advantage of last minute opportunities. If there is suddenly a hole in their schedule, try to make one in yours. They may not have the foresight to make ‘quality time’ a priority, but you do! Positive time spent together helps to build and maintain a more resilient parent-child relationship.

LISTEN.

When your teenager is talking, give them the microphone. Don’t cut them off with your own opinions. Practice responding in ways that let them know you are listening – not judging! This is critical to the development of self-esteem. If we want our children to respect and value themselves, we need to model that! 

This is an area where I really struggle personally. I constantly catch myself trying to steer the conversation. As I have learned, turning every conversation into a teaching opportunity, pushes them away.  Raising a teenager requires us to strike a delicate balance between providing much needed guidance and allowing them to navigate life on their own. The role of “The Observer” takes practice. It doesn’t come naturally to parents. Be patient with the process and with yourself. 

Be willing to walk away, but don’t forget to come back later.

If a heated argument arises, at any point in a conversation, call for a time-out. If possible, walk away and put some distance between you.  Nothing gets accomplished when emotions are heightened. Don’t forget to circle back later time when everyone is calm. 

This is an important life lesson for them to learn. We want them to get in the habit of following through to resolve conflict in a productive way, rather than arguing and or ignoring push them under the rug.

Our children, young and old, are Really good at getting under our skin and often its hard to resist the pull.  A mantra can be helpful. This is something you can use every time a discussion starts getting heated. It can be something simple like, “Let me know when you’re ready to talk.” You can’t control how your kids act, but you can control how you act (and react).

Dial in, get current.

Make an effort to understand their world any way you can. Talk to other parents, attend presentations that address challenge areas, watch their shows, learn to navigate their preferred type of social media… Stay curious and open. 

 Keep doing the best you can. Get help when you need it. Remember to take care of Yourself, too!

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