Tips for Connecting with Your Teen

It’s a beautiful day outside and you are trapped in the car with your surly teenager. Eyes are rolling, lips are curling, attitude is oozing into the seats and infusing your car with a dense gloom. Sound familiar? You might ask yourself, why am I trying so hard when he/she obviously doesn’t want to anything to do with me? For the same reason you’re reading this blog post – you love your son or daughter and you are desperate to connect with them. If we are being honest, its damn hard work! I know exactly how you feel because I am walking right along side you in this regard with one full-blown teenager and two pre-teens.

When I see pictures of my boys when they were young, I often think how much I miss those little people. The chubby cheeks and the sticky fingers, the giggly chatter and just the shear weight of them in my arms… but even more than that, I miss the bond we shared. It was a living thing in those days, always present and tangible. Now that they are teenagers, not so much! In fact, sometimes I feel like I have to revive that bond it on a daily basis. But, it is more important than ever that we make that effort. We are raising a lonely generation. Electronics have robbed them of the genuine peer relationships they crave and parents need to fill that gap. Many studies have shown the positive correlation between quality time with parents or a loving, consistent guardian and well-adjusted young adults. 

“Teenagers who share regular meals with their family are More Likely to have higher self esteem and do better in school. And they are Less Likely to smoke, to abuse drugs or alcohol, alcohol, to become obese, or to have suicidal thoughts and behaviors.”

CASA Columbia

Of course, dinner is just one time of the day! Often schedules and family dynamics prevent consistent mealtime gatherings. That’s okay. The goal is to find ways to connect with your son/daughter, and do it consistently. Here a few suggestions that I hope you will find helpful.

Here are a few tips:

Don’t force it.

If all they ever want to do is listen to music and zone out in the car, let them. Especially right after school when they need to decompress from the pressures of the day. Tune into your child’s inner-modem and approach them when they are more accessible. Our children are usually geat about letting us know when they don’t want to talk. What’s not always clear is when they are in the mood to talk. Sometimes you just need to as them.  Is this a good time to talk? Is there a time we can catch up today? A one-on one trip to Starbucks is always a hit at my house. 

Be available.

Take advantage of last minute opportunities. If there is suddenly a hole in their schedule, try to make one in yours. They may not have the foresight to make ‘quality time’ a priority, but you do! Positive time spent together helps to build and maintain a more resilient parent-child relationship.

LISTEN.

When your teenager is talking, give them the microphone. Don’t cut them off with your own opinions. Practice responding in ways that let them know you are listening – not judging! This is critical to the development of self-esteem. If we want our children to respect and value themselves, we need to model that! 

This is an area where I really struggle personally. I constantly catch myself trying to steer the conversation. As I have learned, turning every conversation into a teaching opportunity, pushes them away.  Raising a teenager requires us to strike a delicate balance between providing much needed guidance and allowing them to navigate life on their own. The role of “The Observer” takes practice. It doesn’t come naturally to parents. Be patient with the process and with yourself. 

Be willing to walk away, but don’t forget to come back later.

If a heated argument arises, at any point in a conversation, call for a time-out. If possible, walk away and put some distance between you.  Nothing gets accomplished when emotions are heightened. Don’t forget to circle back later time when everyone is calm. 

This is an important life lesson for them to learn. We want them to get in the habit of following through to resolve conflict in a productive way, rather than arguing and or ignoring push them under the rug.

Our children, young and old, are Really good at getting under our skin and often its hard to resist the pull.  A mantra can be helpful. This is something you can use every time a discussion starts getting heated. It can be something simple like, “Let me know when you’re ready to talk.” You can’t control how your kids act, but you can control how you act (and react).

Dial in, get current.

Make an effort to understand their world any way you can. Talk to other parents, attend presentations that address challenge areas, watch their shows, learn to navigate their preferred type of social media… Stay curious and open. 

 Keep doing the best you can. Get help when you need it. Remember to take care of Yourself, too!