As a culture, we are obsessed with being happy. If we aren’t over-joyed with our lives, we think something is wrong. We aren’t doing it ‘right.’ According to the omnipresent social media, everyone else has it all figured out… So, we hustle. Constantly in search of the elusive formula to fix what’s broken inside us. We try it all… we read books, listen to podcasts, get organized, get involved, get less involved, find a cause, take up yoga… when the results we get are fleeting, we feel like a failure. And the cycle starts again.
We spend half of the time trying to fix ourselves and the other half trying to appear fixed. No wonder we’re so exhausted!
It’s natural to seek a happier, more peaceful life, but the pressure to ‘achieve it’ has stripped it of its authenticity. Making it something we project to others, rather than something we experience ourselves.
So…What’s the Answer?
First, we have to accept that there is no such thing as a formula for happiness. Nothing you do will make you immune to the ups and downs of the human condition. However, there are a few things that will help you experience joy more fully.
HONOR YOUR EMOTIONS
Allow yourself to feel without judgement. When we feel sadness, grief, loneliness, rejection, frustration etc, our tendency is to push it away. We distract, we numb, we bury – anything to put space between us and the offending emotion(s). The problem is, by ignoring our negative feelings we don’t push them away. We bring them in closer, where they linger and block the way for other, more positive, emotions.
Fighting your feelings is a losing battle that will drain your energy and steal your joy... Whatever you are feeling, no matter how unpleasant, give yourself permission to feel it. It’s part of you and it wants to be heard. Once you acknowledge it, it can pass.
How you handle your emotions is a deeply ingrained habit. It will take time and patience to change. Be kind to yourself along the way!
TELL THE TRUTH
Resist the urge to lie to make yourself look good. This is harder to do than it sounds. When you’re in the habit of downplaying negatives, as most of us are either consciously or unconsciously, telling the unfiltered truth can make you feel vulnerable. Here’s the thing… any time you edit your story or shine-up a piece of yourself, no matter how inconsequential it may seem, you are cultivating shame. In effect, you’re telling yourself that something about you is unacceptable or unlovable. This creates a barrier that separates you from others and the healing power that connection brings.
This doesn’t mean you have to share the details of your life with people you don’t trust. Big confessions are not a requirement. A honest answer could be a shrug your shoulders. Sometimes your facial features alone can convey your true feelings on a subject. Just make sure you’re representing yourself as you are, not how you think you should be. Find the courage to be seen.
Every time you stand in truth, without shame, you build self-acceptance, and fuel positive growth.
Let’s say a competitive co-worker walks in your office and asks you if you got the promotion. You didn’t and you suspect that he already knew that. Overwhelmed with disappointment and raw with the recent rejection, the last thing you want to do is openly admit your failure. Especially to this co-worker. You want to armor up. You weigh the options:
- A. Stall, tell him you haven’t heard yet.
- B. Say you took your name out of the running to pursue a different opportunity.
- C. Admit that you didn’t get it, but pretend like it wasn’t that important to you anyway.
- D. Say no. Tell the truth without justifications.
Which would you likely choose? Sugarcoating it might feel better in the moment, but there is always a price to be paid later. Dishonesty is a burden. Saying one thing and living another creates a feeling of division or discord inside a person. What we all really crave is congruency, to live in a state of homeostasis where the version you know and the version you show the world are one in the same.
Start with raising your awareness around how often you twist the truth in your favor. Eventually, you will start catching yourself in time to make a different choice. This requires some diligence on your part and self-acceptance. Falling back into old patterns is part of the process. Please don’t let these moments cast a shadow over your progress.
It’s only through unconditional self-acceptance that we feel worthy. And isn’t that the root of true happiness?
By practicing these new skills, you will come to know and appreciate yourself on a deeper level and generate resilience. That’s what will pull you through adversity – by reminding you that no matter what war is raging in you or around you, your story isn’t over yet so pick up your pen and keep writing!