Expectations, big and small, are huge drain on our emotional energy. We tend to underestimate the damage they can do because we don’t see the correlation between the expectations we set and our emotional well-being. The truth is – if we don’t learn how to manage our expectations, they become obstacles in our path. And don’t we already have enough of those?
“Big” Expectations
Big expectations equal big goals and aspirations. Career successes, academic achievements, five-year plans and white picket fences. These are rooted in deep-seated beliefs about who we “should be” and are heavily influenced by other people’s expectations; parents, peers, career-influencers, collective norms. Somewhere along the way we all bought into the notion that there is a “right way” to live, which leads to acceptance and a “wrong way” that leads to the stigma of failure. Logically, we know this isn’t true, but our emotional bodies can’t reason and fear of rejection can casts dark shadow.
We see this play out in movies and shows all the time. The small town girl or boy who dreams of making it “big” by breaking out of their small town, spurred on by parents whom felt like they wasted their life. Most times these expectations are so ingrained in us that we aren’t aware of the steady pressure they put on us. Overtime they become internal barometers by which we measure our worthiness. This cycle is an emotional trap because we are destined to fail. It’s part of life.
We’ve all experienced crushing disappointment. It’s part of our growth and development.
By raising our self-awareness, we can stop setting ourselves up for it!
How? Get Curious About Your Goals and Aspirations
This isn’t black and white, in the same way there isn’t a right and a wrong way “to be.” There are “shoulds” tangled up in all our dreams. When we are aware of them, they no longer have power over us.
- Where did your goal to make partner by age 30 come from? What is driving you?
Is it passion and determination? Is it the fear of not “making it?” What parts of this career aspiration are tainted by “shoulds”? Which parts can you own? - How about your fitness goals? How are they influenced by our image-conscious society? What is the true root of your desire here? Heart health, rehabilitation, strength and empowerment? Which part is born of self-acceptance and which part is the hustle to earn acceptance? One will nourish you and one will tear holes in the fabric of your worth.
- Who says you “should” be married with a child and live in the suburbs by now? Is that what your parents did? What popular culture says is the pathway to happiness? If this is your story, chances are you’ve been planning this future for as long as you can remember. How is the life you planned standing in the way of the life you have? Are you willing to release that old story so you can begin a new one, now?
I told myself I was going to have a little girl for the first 30 years of my life. This expectation was so real to me that I even gave it a name, Kaitlyn. All my dreams of being a mother were tied up in her. Guess what? I'm a boy mama! And much as I desperately loved my boys and was so grateful for them, I had to release the old story. Even after my child-rearing years were over, that big expectation was still looming over me. This was a process. I experienced disappointment and even grief over the absence of something that had resided in me for so long. In the end, it was a gift. It freed me to fully experience motherhood as it was.
“Little” Expectations
We set expectations for ourselves every day, never stopping to consider that obstacles are destined to get in our way. Setting daily goals can be a healthy and productive habit, as long as the expectations are attainable. Generally, we aren’t a very good judge of what we can realistically accomplish. We aren’t trying to set ourselves ups for failure when we say yes to someone without checking our calendar or push a project off to the last minute, but that’s exactly what we do. Unrealistic goals are the norm and they are toxic to our emotional wellness; chipping away at our self-esteem with over-burdened schedules and frequent “failures” and disappointments.
While these small scales set backs seem insignificant on the surface, they are like paper cuts in that they constantly make there presence known and take forever to heal.
Let’s look at a few examples
According to latest business guru to make the New York Times best seller list, in order to be successful you must create a new morning routine.
EXPECTATION:
Get up by 5:00am, meditate, workout, get ready for work and take the dog for a walk…. All before the average person has their first cup of coffee.
In the back of your mind, you know this is unrealistic for you, but you’re so desperate to feel like you’re getting somewhere in life that you tell yourself you can “make it happen.”
REALITY:
You work late, but still force yourself out of bed early, determined to start your new routine. You’re too tired to meditate without falling back asleep so you move on to the workout. Then, five minutes in a child wakes up and says she doesn’t feel well. She threw up in her bed. Game over.
As a parent, you know things like this just happen. But you are still so discouraged! You were counting on this to make you feel better and now you feel worse. You’ve already let yourself down and your day has just begun.
TIP #1:
- If you plan to “make it happen,” it probably isn’t going to happen. At least not without a cost.
- New routines, like habits, are built over time. Make one small change at a time, consistently, before you add another. This gives you the opportunity to experience small successes, with the occasional setback, and grow your self-confidence; a driving force of motivation.
That was an obvious example that can easily be traced back to the source. Most expectations are so ingrained in who we are that we aren’t aware of them or how they create stumbling blocks in our daily life. Let’s look at another example.
EXPECTATION: You are organized. You see organization as one of your strengths. You work hard to keep your life in order, always conscious of how organized things are around you. It can be exhausting, but it’s a top priority.
REALITY: Life interrupts your plans. A big project comes up at work that demands all your attention, and you have to let some things slide. This includes keeping your work space neat and orderly. You know this is the way it has to be, but it doesn’t sit well with you because, on an emotional level, you’re still holding yourself to the same standard. When you walk in your office in the morning and see it in disarray, it sparks feelings of defeat, making you irritable and anxious. You berate yourself for not being able to keep it together! This is how your day starts.
This “little” expectation has the power to drag you down. Push you off balance. Steal your joy. The good news is, you gave it the power and you can take it back!
TIP #2
- Pay attention to your self-talk when things go wrong. Does it have anything to do with an unrealistic expectations? If so…
- Use your self-awareness to bring it to the surface. Is it reasonable to expect yourself to stay organized At All Times? Once you see it clearly, you will naturally begin to modify that expectation. This process does take time so please be patient with yourself!
The Cost of Unrealistic Expectations
Decreased Energy and Productivity
Unrealistic expectations, big and small, are a major drain on our emotional energy. Most people think that a person’s energy level is determined by their physical health. That isn’t true. 70% of our overall energy comes from emotional energy!
” Physical energy can supply at most 30% of your total energy. Even if you had perfect physical health and ate the perfect diet and got the perfect amount of sleep and the perfect amount of exercise, all that would give you only 30% of the complete energy you need. “
Mira Kirshenbaum, psychotherapist and author of “The Emotional Energy Factor“
This is why when you get overwhelmed, you start to feel fatigued. Physically, losing weight makes you feel lighter. Emotionally, the more depleted you are the more weighted down you feel. You need energy to be productive. You’ve heard people say, ” I’m so tired, I can’t think straight!” What’s the one thing all successful people have in common? High Energy Levels! Its critical that we conserve our emotional energy by making sure that the big and the expectations we set for ourselves are attainable.