Do you love and accept yourself when…
You’re receiving a compliment? How about when you feel like a failure?
Your partner breaks up with you and you feel lonely and disappointed?
The answer to these questions gives you insight into the strength of your self-worth or worthiness as an unique, human being.
Self-worth Is a measure of how worthy you believe you are of receiving such things as love, respect, and good fortune. This belief is held deep within yourself. Self-worth Is Not related to your appearance, your bank account, or the number of friends you have. It’s also not something you can earn, despite the fact that we live in a culture that encourages us to hustle for it.
To be fair, most of us didn’t grow up learning to value ourself for who we “are.” Nor did we learn how to love and accept ourselves in the face of failure. So it makes sense that we would seek external validation as a means of feeling better about ourselves. We’ve been conditioned to seek acceptance from others rather than from ourselves. Unfortunately, this reduces self-worth to a fair-weather friend, when we need it to be a pillar of strength. Holding us up and keeping us grounded in our truth when we face adversity.
Our constitutions were shaken after 9/11 and again in 2020. Since that time, we have witnessed violence and unrest in the United States and wars waged in other countries, to devastating degrees. We cannot rely on the outside world to internally stabilize us. It’s too unpredictable. We need to stabilize ourselves.
To do that, we need to accept ourselves. This is a process, but feels more like a journey. We expect that insecurities and “failures” will be a challenge to accept. As it turns out, we struggle to accept our strengths and talents too. Sometimes they are so hidden under a pile up of bad experiences, judgments, and comparisons. When we start to own our strengths and insecurities, our resilience multiplies.
One way you can start growing your self-worth is by Practicing Acceptance. Learning to view yourself as separate from your circumstances.
Step One
Observe the direction of your thoughts. Start recognizing when you shift into “personal attack mode.“
This can happen any time. A disappointment, a triggered memory, an embarrassing moment, any loss of perceived control, Thoughts are also habit forming so they don’t always rise out of circumstance.. It can also happen when we inadvertently trigger a painful memory. You may be aware of a deep swell of emotion. Your thoughts turning dark; anger, resentment, perhaps blaming someone or something else for how you feel. When you shift to self-condemnation, then you’re in personal attack mode.
Here are a few examples of the switch:
You’re running late for a meeting at your child’s school. You start worrying about what people will think of
you. Before long, you are berating yourself. "I am always late. No matter how hard I try, I can never get it
together!"
There is no such thing as a big or a small moment when it comes to personal attacks. Any time we start an inner dialogue of self-condemnation, we tear holes in the fabric of our self-worth with our shame.
Step Two
Stop and identify what you’ve been saying to yourself. This must be Personal and Specific.
Focus on the thought that hurt the most.
You have to tap into your personal pain in order for this to work. No Generalizations. For example:
My life is falling apart.
Step Three
Turn the the personal attack into an act of Self-Acceptance.
Use a Turn Around Statement*
- Even though <Insert Painful Thoughts> …I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.
- Even though I haven’t been on a date in a year and I might never get married… I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.
- Even though I got the lowest grade in the class and I suck at math… I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.
- Even though I lost the deal and feel like a complete failure… I deeply and profoundly love and accept myself.
You MUST say it at least 3 times. Repeat it to yourself, out loud if possible,
until the meaning of your words “make a feeling impression” on you!
Some of the sting will ease as your your inner-being receives this nourishment. Unfortunately, it will not miraculously heal your emotional wounds. Your disappointment will still be there but So will be a greater capacity for acceptance and a stronger sense of self. This doesn’t mean that you discontinue your efforts to improve yourself. In fact, your efforts will likely be more fruitful because they will come from a place of strength rather than shame.
- Every time you say NO who you “should be” and YES to “who you are” –
You build self-worth with self-acceptance - Every time you choose to love yourself for who you are rather than what you do –
You grow your capacity for wholeness - Every time you turn-toward rather than turn-away from yourself to deal with your pain –
You show yourself that self-love is is the most powerful form of healing.
I hope you embrace this concept and start to practice self-love and acceptance… it’s the pathway to worthiness!
*This concept was borrowed in part from the Emotional FreedomTechnique (EFT) by Gary Craig.